不要告诉你的孩子说他们很有能力
<p><span word="In">In</span> <span word="recent">recent</span> <span word="years">years</span>, <span word="our">our</span> <span word="parenting">parenting</span> <span word="culture">culture</span> <span word="began">began</span> <span word="to">to</span> <span word="send">send</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="message">message</span> <span word="that">that</span> <span word="competence">competence</span> <span word="was">was</span> <span word="important">important</span> <span word="for">for</span> <span word="building">building</span> <span word="self">self</span>-<span word="esteem">esteem</span> <span word="and">and</span> <span word="that">that</span> <span word="parents">parents</span> <span word="needed">needed</span> <span word="to">to</span> <span word="do">do</span> <span word="everything">everything</span> <span word="they">they</span> <span word="can">can</span> <span word="to">to</span> <span word="convince">convince</span> <span word="their">their</span> <span word="children">children</span> <span word="how">how</span> <span word="competent">competent</span> <span word="they">they</span> <span word="were">were</span>. <span word="All">All</span> <span word="very">very</span> <span word="reasonable">reasonable</span>, <span word="to">to</span> <span word="be">be</span> <span word="sure">sure</span>. <span word="However">However</span>, <span word="that">that</span> <span word="same">same</span> <span word="parenting">parenting</span> <span word="culture">culture</span> <span word="made">made</span> <span word="a">a</span> <span word="big">big</span> <span word="mistake">mistake</span> <span word="by">by</span> <span word="telling">telling</span> <span word="parents">parents</span> <span word="that">that</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="way">way</span> <span word="to">to</span> <span word="instill">instill</span> <span word="competence">competence</span> <span word="in">in</span> <span word="their">their</span> <span word="children">children</span> <span word="was">was</span> <span word="to">to</span> <span word="tell">tell</span> <span word="them">them</span> <span word="how">how</span> <span word="competent">competent</span> <span word="they">they</span> <span word="were">were</span>. <span word="Parents">Parents</span> <span word="bought">bought</span> <span word="into">into</span> <span word="this">this</span> <span word="message">message</span> <span word="and">and</span> <span word="starting">starting</span> <span word="telling">telling</span> <span word="their">their</span> <span word="children">children</span> <span word="how">how</span> <span word="smart">smart</span> <span word="and">and</span> <span word="talented">talented</span> <span word="and">and</span> <span word="wonderful">wonderful</span> <span word="they">they</span> <span word="were">were</span>. <span word="But">But</span> <span word="here">here</span>'<span word="s">s</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="problem">problem</span>. <span word="Children">Children</span> <span word="can">can</span>'<span word="t">t</span> <span word="be">be</span> <span word="convinced">convinced</span> <span word="that">that</span> <span word="they">they</span> <span word="are">are</span> <span word="competent">competent</span>.</p><p>近几年，我们的教养文化开始传达这样的信息：能力对树立自尊很重要，父母应该尽其所能使他们的孩子相信他们是多么有能力。可以肯定的是，所有的这些都很合理。然而，同样的教养文化通过给孩子们灌输他们是多么有能力的方式犯了个大错误。父母们输入了这样的信息，并且开始告诉他们的孩子他们是多么聪明，多么有天赋，多么棒。但是这里有一个问题，孩子们不能被说服相信他们是有能力的。</p><p><span word="When">When</span> <span word="parents">parents</span> <span word="try">try</span> <span word="to">to</span> <span word="convince">convince</span> <span word="their">their</span> <span word="children">children</span> <span word="of">of</span> <span word="how">how</span> <span word="competent">competent</span> <span word="they">they</span> <span word="are">are</span>, <span word="they">they</span> <span word="often">often</span> <span word="have">have</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="exact">exact</span> <span word="opposite">opposite</span> <span word="effect">effect</span>. <span word="There">There</span> <span word="is">is</span> <span word="this">this</span> <span word="little">little</span> <span word="thing">thing</span> <span word="called">called</span> <span word="reality">reality</span> <span word="that">that</span> <span word="children">children</span> <span word="have">have</span> <span word="to">to</span> <span word="confront">confront</span> <span word="on">on</span> <span word="a">a</span> <span word="daily">daily</span> <span word="basis">basis</span>; <span word="life">life</span> <span word="has">has</span> <span word="a">a</span> <span word="way">way</span> <span word="of">of</span> <span word="sending">sending</span> <span word="messages">messages</span> <span word="about">about</span> <span word="competence">competence</span> <span word="that">that</span> <span word="can">can</span> <span word="be">be</span> <span word="in">in</span> <span word="sharp">sharp</span> <span word="contrast">contrast</span> <span word="to">to</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="outsized">outsized</span> <span word="messages">messages</span> <span word="of">of</span> <span word="competence">competence</span> <span word="that">that</span> <span word="parents">parents</span> <span word="send">send</span> <span word="their">their</span> <span word="children">children</span>. <span word="When">When</span> <span word="children">children</span> <span word="are">are</span> <span word="faced">faced</span> <span word="with">with</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="conflict">conflict</span> <span word="between">between</span> <span word="what">what</span> <span word="their">their</span> <span word="parents">parents</span> <span word="had">had</span> <span word="told">told</span> <span word="them">them</span> <span word="about">about</span> <span word="how">how</span> <span word="good">good</span> <span word="they">they</span> <span word="are">are</span> <span word="and">and</span> <span word="what">what</span> <span word="reality">reality</span> <span word="is">is</span> <span word="telling">telling</span> <span word="them">them</span>, <span word="the">the</span> <span word="result">result</span> <span word="is">is</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="bursting">bursting</span> <span word="of">of</span> <span word="the">the</span> “<span word="You">You</span> <span word="are">are</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="best">best</span>” <span word="bubble">bubble</span> <span word="that">that</span> <span word="their">their</span> <span word="parents">parents</span> <span word="blew">blew</span> <span word="up">up</span> <span word="for">for</span> <span word="them">them</span>. <span word="The">The</span> <span word="result">result</span>: <span word="disappointment">disappointment</span>, <span word="hurt">hurt</span>, <span word="and">and</span> <span word="an">an</span> <span word="actual">actual</span> <span word="loss">loss</span> <span word="of">of</span> <span word="sense">sense</span> <span word="of">of</span> <span word="competence">competence</span>. <span word="Let">Let</span> <span word="me">me</span> <span word="be">be</span> <span word="clear">clear</span> <span word="here">here</span>: <span word="The">The</span> <span word="only">only</span> <span word="way">way</span> <span word="for">for</span> <span word="children">children</span> <span word="to">to</span> <span word="build">build</span> <span word="a">a</span> <span word="true">true</span> <span word="sense">sense</span> <span word="of">of</span> <span word="competence">competence</span> <span word="is">is</span> <span word="through">through</span> <span word="first">first</span>-<span word="hand">hand</span> <span word="experience">experience</span> <span word="that">that</span> <span word="includes">includes</span> <span word="travails">travails</span>, <span word="triumphs">triumphs</span>, <span word="struggles">struggles</span>, <span word="setbacks">setbacks</span>, <span word="and">and</span> <span word="successes">successes</span>.</p>
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