SAT作文修改实例讲解(一)
<p> 作文题一： <span word="Is">Is</span> <span word="memory">memory</span> <span word="a">a</span> <span word="help">help</span> <span word="or">or</span> <span word="a">a</span> <span word="hindrance">hindrance</span> <span word="in">in</span> <span word="helping">helping</span> <span word="us">us</span> <span word="learn">learn</span> <span word="from">from</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="past">past</span> <span word="and">and</span> <span word="succeed">succeed</span> <span word="in">in</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="future">future</span>?</p><p> 学生习作1：</p><p> <span word="On">On</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="thesis">thesis</span>, <span word="one">one</span> <span word="may">may</span> <span word="have">have</span> <span word="doubt">doubt</span> <span word="since">since</span> <span word="not">not</span> <span word="all">all</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="memories">memories</span> <span word="are">are</span> <span word="sweet">sweet</span>. <span word="But">But</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="insist">insist</span> <span word="that">that</span> <span word="even">even</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="bad">bad</span> <span word="ones">ones</span> <span word="can">can</span> <span word="offer">offer</span> <span word="help">help</span>. <span word="For">For</span> <span word="instance">instance</span>, <span word="during">during</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="winter">winter</span> <span word="vacation">vacation</span> <span word="in">in</span> <span word="Junior">Junior</span>, <span word="I">I</span> <span word="lost">lost</span> <span word="a">a</span> <span word="cell">cell</span> <span word="phone">phone</span> <span word="that">that</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="had">had</span> <span word="used">used</span> <span word="for">for</span> <span word="more">more</span> <span word="than">than</span> <span word="two">two</span> <span word="years">years</span>. <span word="That">That</span> <span word="was">was</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="day">day</span> <span word="before">before</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="Spring">Spring</span> <span word="Festival">Festival</span>, <span word="the">the</span> <span word="most">most</span> <span word="important">important</span> <span word="festival">festival</span> <span word="for">for</span> <span word="reunion">reunion</span> <span word="in">in</span> <span word="China">China</span>. <span word="I">I</span> <span word="was">was</span> <span word="in">in</span> <span word="a">a</span> <span word="good">good</span> <span word="mood">mood</span> <span word="at">at</span> <span word="that">that</span> <span word="time">time</span> <span word="because">because</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="was">was</span> <span word="going">going</span> <span word="to">to</span> <span word="shoot">shoot</span> <span word="some">some</span> <span word="photos">photos</span> <span word="with">with</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="aunt">aunt</span>. <span word="There">There</span> <span word="were">were</span> <span word="many">many</span> <span word="people">people</span> <span word="in">in</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="store">store</span>. 3<span word="I">I</span> <span word="felt">felt</span> <span word="a">a</span> <span word="little">little</span> <span word="crowded">crowded</span>. <span word="It">It</span> <span word="was">was</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="time">time</span> <span word="when">when</span> <span word="we">we</span> <span word="were">were</span> <span word="choosing">choosing</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="frames">frames</span> <span word="that">that</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="cell">cell</span> <span word="phone">phone</span> <span word="was">was</span> <span word="stolen">stolen</span>. <span word="Too">Too</span> <span word="late">late</span> <span word="did">did</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="realize">realize</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="unfortunate">unfortunate</span> <span word="fact">fact</span>. （营造记忆）</p><p> <span word="Afterwards">Afterwards</span>, <span word="whenever">whenever</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="was">was</span> <span word="in">in</span> <span word="public">public</span>, <span word="I">I</span> <span word="paid">paid</span> <span word="extra">extra</span> <span word="attention">attention</span> <span word="to">to</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="personal">personal</span> <span word="possession">possession</span> <span word="such">such</span> <span word="as">as</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="purse">purse</span> <span word="and">and</span> <span word="mp">mp</span>4. <span word="Therefore">Therefore</span>, <span word="I">I</span> <span word="havent">havent</span> <span word="lost">lost</span> <span word="any">any</span> <span word="other">other</span> <span word="things">things</span> <span word="till">till</span> <span word="now">now</span>. <span word="I">I</span> <span word="learned">learned</span> <span word="to">to</span> <span word="be">be</span> <span word="extremely">extremely</span> <span word="careful">careful</span> <span word="from">from</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="horrible">horrible</span> <span word="memory">memory</span>. （营造收获）</p><p> 分析：</p><p> 1 <span word="during">during</span>强调延续性，<span word="in">in</span>强调一段时间里发生了一件事。所以此处应该改成<span word="in">in</span>.</p><p> 2 文章采取倒叙手法，所以在2处感觉有一点奇怪，刚刚还是东西被盗，后来心情又好了。</p><p> 3 不能是你觉得挤，只能是<span word="that">that</span> <span word="place">place</span> <span word="was">was</span> <span word="a">a</span> <span word="little">little</span> <span word="crowded">crowded</span></p><p> 4 文章的深刻度不够，处于4-5分的水平，要拿更好的分数，还得在深刻性上下功夫。个人例子特别适合以情动人。</p>
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