中考英语写作精彩点评与修改（二）
<p> 刘晓伟老师中考英语写作精彩点评与修改（二）</p><p> 中考英语作文题二（同第一题，另一个学生写的。大家借鉴一下！）</p><p> 五晚你父母都出去了，只有爷爷和你在家，你在客厅里看电视而爷爷在他屋里看报纸。突然你听到爷爷屋里有什么动静，当你推开房门，惊讶地发现爷爷正躺在地上，失去了知觉。于是你立即拨打了120。然后让爷爷平躺，打开了窗户。就在这时医生来了。一位医生说你做的对，救了爷爷的命。请根据提示以<span word="An">An</span> <span word="Unforgettable">Unforgettable</span> <span word="Night">Night</span>为题，写一篇80字左右的短文。</p><p> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="had">had</span> <span word="a">a</span> <span word="experience">experience</span> <span word="of">of</span> <span word="helping">helping</span> <span word="others">others</span> <span word="to">to</span> <span word="save">save</span> <span word="his">his</span> <span word="life">life</span>. (<span word="I">I</span> <span word="had">had</span> <span word="an">an</span> <span word="experience">experience</span> <span word="of">of</span> <span word="saving">saving</span> <span word="ones">ones</span> <span word="life">life</span>.) <span word="It">It</span> <span word="was">was</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="grandfather">grandfather</span>.</p><p> <span word="Last">Last</span> <span word="Friday">Friday</span>, <span word="my">my</span> <span word="dad">dad</span> <span word="and">and</span> <span word="mom">mom</span> <span word="went">went</span> <span word="out">out</span>, <span word="only">only</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="grandfather">grandfather</span> <span word="and">and</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="being">being</span> <span word="at">at</span> <span word="home">home</span>. (最好用状语从句代替几个简单句,可以改成: <span word="Last">Last</span> <span word="Friday">Friday</span>, <span word="my">my</span> <span word="parents">parents</span> <span word="went">went</span> <span word="out">out</span> <span word="when">when</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="grandfather">grandfather</span> <span word="and">and</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="were">were</span> <span word="staying">staying</span> <span word="at">at</span> <span word="home">home</span>.) <span word="I">I</span> <span word="watched">watched</span> <span word="TV">TV</span> <span word="at">at</span> <span word="home">home</span> <span word="and">and</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="grangfather">grangfather</span> <span word="read">read</span> <span word="newspaper">newspaper</span> <span word="in">in</span> <span word="his">his</span> <span word="room">room</span>. (时态有问题. 两个人同时做某事,可以用<span word="while">while</span>引导的时间状语从句,可以改成: <span word="I">I</span> <span word="was">was</span> <span word="watching">watching</span> <span word="TV">TV</span> <span word="while">while</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="grandfather">grandfather</span> <span word="was">was</span> <span word="reading">reading</span> <span word="newspaper">newspaper</span> <span word="in">in</span> <span word="his">his</span> <span word="room">room</span>.) <span word="Suddenly">Suddenly</span>, <span word="I">I</span> <span word="heard">heard</span> <span word="any">any</span> <span word="strange">strange</span> <span word="sound">sound</span> <span word="from">from</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="room">room</span> <span word="of">of</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="grandfather">grandfather</span>. (<span word="Suddenly">Suddenly</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="heard">heard</span> <span word="a">a</span> <span word="strange">strange</span> <span word="sound">sound</span> <span word="coming">coming</span> <span word="from">from</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="room">room</span> <span word="of">of</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="grandfather">grandfather</span>.) <span word="I">I</span> <span word="push">push</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="door">door</span> <span word="and">and</span> <span word="discovered">discovered</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="grandfather">grandfather</span> <span word="was">was</span> <span word="lying">lying</span> <span word="in">in</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="ground">ground</span>, <span word="he">he</span> <span word="already">already</span> <span word="lose">lose</span> <span word="his">his</span> <span word="consciousness">consciousness</span>. (1. 时态错误<span word="push">push</span> 应该用<span word="pushed">pushed</span>. 2.用词不当<span word="discover">discover</span> 表示发现了存在了很久的东西, 如果是这样的话, 爷爷早就归天了. 所以改成<span word="found">found</span> 更好一些. 小词大词都有用, 关键是恰到好处. 3.后一个句子可以写成定语从句.<span word="who">who</span> <span word="had">had</span> <span word="lost">lost</span> <span word="his">his</span> <span word="consciousness">consciousness</span>, 整句话可以改成: <span word="I">I</span> <span word="pushed">pushed</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="door">door</span> <span word="and">and</span> <span word="found">found</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="grandfather">grandfather</span> <span word="lying">lying</span> <span word="on">on</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="ground">ground</span>, <span word="who">who</span> <span word="had">had</span> <span word="lost">lost</span> <span word="his">his</span> <span word="consciousness">consciousness</span>.) <span word="I">I</span>'<span word="m">m</span> <span word="very">very</span> <span word="nervous">nervous</span>. <span word="Then">Then</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="called">called</span> 120. (两个简单句不能用逗号，连接，可以合并句子：<span word="Though">Though</span> <span word="nervous">nervous</span>, <span word="I">I</span> <span word="immediately">immediately</span> <span word="called">called</span> 120.) <span word="And">And</span> <span word="helped">helped</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="grandfather">grandfather</span> <span word="lied">lied</span> <span word="well">well</span>, <span word="I">I</span> <span word="also">also</span> <span word="opened">opened</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="window">window</span>. (合并句子：<span word="Then">Then</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="helped">helped</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="grandfather">grandfather</span> <span word="lie">lie</span> <span word="on">on</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="sofa">sofa</span> <span word="and">and</span> <span word="opened">opened</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="window">window</span>.) <span word="At">At</span> <span word="this">this</span> <span word="moment">moment</span>, <span word="the">the</span> <span word="doctor">doctor</span> <span word="arrived">arrived</span>. <span word="He">He</span> <span word="said">said</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="did">did</span> <span word="well">well</span> ,<span word="I">I</span> <span word="saved">saved</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="grandfather">grandfather</span>'<span word="s">s</span> <span word="life">life</span>. (合并句子：<span word="When">When</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="doctor">doctor</span> <span word="arrived">arrived</span>, <span word="he">he</span> <span word="praised">praised</span> <span word="for">for</span> <span word="what">what</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="had">had</span> <span word="done">done</span> <span word="for">for</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="grandfather">grandfather</span>.)</p>
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