My father’s words 不在场的教诲
<p>我最终从这种迷失的困境中走了出来，寻得意外的收获：通过写作来表达自己。而直到后来我才发觉，这是我用另一种方式去理解父亲的一个桥梁。这种方式引导着我接近一种新的激情，这种激情是我和父亲共同享有的，但是过去我并不知道。</p><p><span word="Before">Before</span> <span word="they">they</span> <span word="closed">closed</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="father">father</span>’<span word="s">s</span> <span word="casket">casket</span>, <span word="I">I</span> <span word="left">left</span> <span word="him">him</span> <span word="with">with</span> <span word="a">a</span> <span word="gift">gift</span>. <span word="After">After</span> <span word="all">all</span> <span word="he">he</span> <span word="had">had</span> <span word="given">given</span> <span word="me">me</span>, <span word="it">it</span> <span word="was">was</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="least">least</span> <span word="and">and</span> <span word="best">best</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="could">could</span> <span word="do">do</span>. <span word="He">He</span> <span word="passed">passed</span> <span word="away">away</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="day">day</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="got">got</span> <span word="my">my</span> 1,000<span word="th">th</span> <span word="career">career</span> <span word="hit">hit</span>, <span word="in">in</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="final">final</span> <span word="game">game</span> <span word="of">of</span> <span word="the">the</span> 2002 <span word="season">season</span>, <span word="so">so</span> <span word="at">at</span> <span word="his">his</span> <span word="side">side</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="left">left</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="ball">ball</span> <span word="from">from</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="milestone">milestone</span>.</p><p><span word="Besides">Besides</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="surreal">surreal</span> <span word="and">and</span> <span word="horrifying">horrifying</span> <span word="last">last</span> <span word="moment">moment</span> <span word="of">of</span> <span word="seeing">seeing</span> <span word="him">him</span> <span word="lying">lying</span> <span word="in">in</span> <span word="permanent">permanent</span> <span word="stasis">stasis</span>, <span word="it">it</span> <span word="was">was</span> <span word="also">also</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="first">first</span> <span word="time">time</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="could">could</span> <span word="remember">remember</span> <span word="giving">giving</span> <span word="him">him</span> <span word="a">a</span> <span word="special">special</span> <span word="game">game</span> <span word="ball">ball</span> <span word="without">without</span> <span word="him">him</span> <span word="slipping">slipping</span> <span word="a">a</span> $10 <span word="bill">bill</span> <span word="into">into</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="hands">hands</span> <span word="to">to</span> <span word="congratulate">congratulate</span> <span word="me">me</span>. <span word="His">His</span> <span word="illness">illness</span> <span word="kept">kept</span> <span word="him">him</span> <span word="out">out</span> <span word="of">of</span> <span word="whatever">whatever</span> <span word="stadium">stadium</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="was">was</span> <span word="playing">playing</span> <span word="in">in</span> <span word="during">during</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="latter">latter</span> <span word="years">years</span> <span word="of">of</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="career">career</span>, <span word="though">though</span> <span word="that">that</span> <span word="didn">didn</span>’<span word="t">t</span> <span word="stop">stop</span> <span word="him">him</span> <span word="from">from</span> <span word="patting">patting</span> <span word="me">me</span> <span word="on">on</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="back">back</span> <span word="from">from</span> <span word="afar">afar</span> <span word="with">with</span> <span word="a">a</span> <span word="phone">phone</span> <span word="call">call</span> <span word="or">or</span> <span word="by">by</span> <span word="what">what</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="could">could</span> <span word="best">best</span> <span word="describe">describe</span> <span word="as">as</span> <span word="a">a</span> “<span word="spiritual">spiritual</span> <span word="moment">moment</span>, <span word="one">one</span> <span word="when">when</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="would">would</span> <span word="feel">feel</span> <span word="him">him</span> <span word="sitting">sitting</span> <span word="on">on</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="shoulder">shoulder</span> <span word="advising">advising</span> <span word="me">me</span> <span word="while">while</span> <span word="referencing">referencing</span> <span word="a">a</span> <span word="page">page</span> <span word="out">out</span> <span word="of">of</span> <span word="his">his</span> <span word="psychiatric">psychiatric</span> <span word="repertoire">repertoire</span>.</p><p><span word="I">I</span> <span word="left">left</span> <span word="baseball">baseball</span> <span word="in">in</span> 2005, <span word="with">with</span> <span word="a">a</span> <span word="Triple">Triple</span>-<span word="A">A</span> <span word="contract">contract</span> <span word="on">on</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="table">table</span> <span word="from">from</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="San">San</span> <span word="Diego">Diego</span> <span word="Padres">Padres</span>. <span word="I">I</span> <span word="left">left</span> <span word="not">not</span> <span word="for">for</span> <span word="physical">physical</span> <span word="reasons">reasons</span> — <span word="I">I</span>’<span word="d">d</span> <span word="had">had</span> <span word="a">a</span> <span word="torn">torn</span> <span word="hamstring">hamstring</span> <span word="tendon">tendon</span> <span word="in">in</span> 2003, <span word="but">but</span> <span word="it">it</span> <span word="hadn">hadn</span>’<span word="t">t</span> <span word="affected">affected</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="speed">speed</span> — <span word="but">but</span> <span word="because">because</span> <span word="it">it</span> <span word="was">was</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="season">season</span> <span word="for">for</span> <span word="change">change</span>. <span word="So">So</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="decided">decided</span> <span word="to">to</span> <span word="walk">walk</span> <span word="away">away</span> <span word="and">and</span> <span word="once">once</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="did">did</span>, <span word="like">like</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="vast">vast</span> <span word="majority">majority</span> <span word="of">of</span> <span word="players">players</span>, <span word="I">I</span> <span word="was">was</span> <span word="lost">lost</span>. <span word="It">It</span> <span word="would">would</span> <span word="be">be</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="first">first</span> <span word="time">time</span> <span word="since">since</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="learned">learned</span> <span word="to">to</span> <span word="swing">swing</span> <span word="a">a</span> <span word="bat">bat</span> <span word="that">that</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="would">would</span> <span word="spend">spend</span> <span word="an">an</span> <span word="entire">entire</span> <span word="summer">summer</span> <span word="without">without</span> <span word="ever">ever</span> <span word="putting">putting</span> <span word="on">on</span> <span word="a">a</span> <span word="uniform">uniform</span>. <span word="Even">Even</span> <span word="if">if</span> <span word="you">you</span> <span word="get">get</span> <span word="a">a</span> <span word="going">going</span>-<span word="away">away</span> <span word="party">party</span> <span word="like">like</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="one">one</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="Phillies">Phillies</span> <span word="gave">gave</span> <span word="me">me</span> <span word="on">on</span> <span word="June">June</span> 25<span word="th">th</span>, 2005, <span word="when">when</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="threw">threw</span> <span word="out">out</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="first">first</span> <span word="pitch">pitch</span> <span word="of">of</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="Philadelphia">Philadelphia</span>-<span word="Boston">Boston</span> <span word="game">game</span> <span word="on">on</span> <span word="a">a</span> <span word="national">national</span> <span word="TV">TV</span>, <span word="once">once</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="last">last</span> <span word="partygoer">partygoer</span> <span word="walks">walks</span> <span word="out">out</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="door">door</span> <span word="it">it</span>’<span word="s">s</span> <span word="no">no</span> <span word="longer">longer</span> <span word="you">you</span> <span word="against">against</span> <span word="that">that</span> <span word="fastball">fastball</span>, <span word="it">it</span> <span word="is">is</span> <span word="you">you</span> <span word="against">against</span> <span word="yourself">yourself</span>.</p>
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