父亲最后的拥抱 In praise of hugs
<p><span word="I">I</span> <span word="grew">grew</span> <span word="upbereft">upbereft</span>（被剥夺的，缺少的） <span word="of">of</span> <span word="hugs">hugs</span>. <span word="Neither">Neither</span> <span word="of">of</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="parents">parents</span> <span word="was">was</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="cuddly">cuddly</span> <span word="type">type</span>. <span word="Greetings">Greetings</span> <span word="involving">involving</span> <span word="kissing">kissing</span> <span word="caused">caused</span> <span word="me">me</span> <span word="to">to</span> <span word="wince">wince</span>, <span word="and">and</span> <span word="hugging">hugging</span> <span word="generally">generally</span> <span word="just">just</span> <span word="made">made</span> <span word="me">me</span> <span word="feel">feel</span> <span word="awkward">awkward</span>.</p><p><span word="Then">Then</span> <span word="one">one</span> <span word="hug">hug</span> <span word="changed">changed</span> <span word="all">all</span> <span word="that">that</span>. <span word="One">One</span> <span word="month">month</span> <span word="before">before</span> <span word="my">my</span> 40<span word="th">th</span> <span word="birthday">birthday</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="dad">dad</span> <span word="had">had</span> <span word="heart">heart</span> <span word="surgery">surgery</span>. <span word="As">As</span> <span word="he">he</span> <span word="came">came</span> <span word="round">round</span>, <span word="days">days</span> <span word="later">later</span>, <span word="he">he</span> <span word="grabbed">grabbed</span> <span word="me">me</span> <span word="and">and</span> <span word="hugged">hugged</span> <span word="me">me</span> <span word="so">so</span> <span word="hard">hard</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="had">had</span> <span word="to">to</span> <span word="push">push</span> <span word="with">with</span> <span word="all">all</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="might">might</span> <span word="to">to</span> <span word="keep">keep</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="head">head</span> <span word="from">from</span> <span word="pressing">pressing</span> <span word="down">down</span> <span word="on">on</span> <span word="his">his</span> <span word="newly">newly</span> <span word="stitchedtorso">stitchedtorso</span>（身体躯干）.</p><p><span word="It">It</span> <span word="was">was</span> <span word="a">a</span> <span word="hug">hug</span> <span word="to">to</span> <span word="make">make</span> <span word="up">up</span> <span word="for">for</span> <span word="all">all</span> <span word="those">those</span> <span word="we">we</span> <span word="had">had</span> <span word="never">never</span> <span word="had">had</span>. <span word="Days">Days</span> <span word="later">later</span> <span word="as">as</span> <span word="he">he</span> <span word="slowly">slowly</span> <span word="started">started</span> <span word="to">to</span> <span word="gain">gain</span> <span word="strength">strength</span> <span word="he">he</span> <span word="told">told</span> <span word="me">me</span> <span word="for">for</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="first">first</span> <span word="time">time</span> <span word="ever">ever</span> <span word="that">that</span> <span word="he">he</span> <span word="loved">loved</span> <span word="me">me</span>, <span word="and">and</span> <span word="through">through</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="tears">tears</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="told">told</span> <span word="him">him</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="loved">loved</span> <span word="him">him</span> <span word="too">too</span>.</p><p><span word="I">I</span> <span word="began">began</span> <span word="planning">planning</span> <span word="how">how</span> <span word="to">to</span> <span word="bake">bake</span> <span word="him">him</span> <span word="better">better</span> &<span word="ndash">ndash</span>; <span word="with">with</span> <span word="carrot">carrot</span> <span word="cakes">cakes</span>, <span word="victoria">victoria</span> <span word="sponges">sponges</span>, <span word="jelly">jelly</span> <span word="and">and</span> <span word="ice">ice</span> <span word="cream">cream</span>. <span word="My">My</span> <span word="maternal">maternal</span> <span word="streak">streak</span> <span word="kicked">kicked</span> <span word="in">in</span> <span word="and">and</span> <span word="Ifantasised">Ifantasised</span>（幻想） <span word="about">about</span> <span word="wheeling">wheeling</span> <span word="him">him</span> <span word="through">through</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="park">park</span> <span word="and">and</span> <span word="feeding">feeding</span> <span word="him">him</span> <span word="home">home</span>-<span word="made">made</span> <span word="goodies">goodies</span>. <span word="Then">Then</span> <span word="he">he</span> <span word="died">died</span>.</p><p><span word="I">I</span> <span word="felt">felt</span> <span word="cheated">cheated</span>. <span word="All">All</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="life">life</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="had">had</span> <span word="wondered">wondered</span> <span word="whether">whether</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="dad">dad</span> <span word="cared">cared</span> <span word="for">for</span> <span word="me">me</span> <span word="and">and</span> <span word="loved">loved</span> <span word="me">me</span> &<span word="ndash">ndash</span>; <span word="I">I</span> <span word="doubted">doubted</span> <span word="it">it</span>. <span word="Just">Just</span> <span word="as">as</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="got">got</span> <span word="proof">proof</span> <span word="that">that</span> <span word="he">he</span> <span word="did">did</span>, <span word="he">he</span> <span word="passed">passed</span> <span word="away">away</span>.</p><p><span word="My">My</span> <span word="parents">parents</span> <span word="split">split</span> <span word="up">up</span> <span word="when">when</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="was">was</span> <span word="two">two</span> <span word="years">years</span> <span word="old">old</span> <span word="and">and</span>, <span word="while">while</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="had">had</span> <span word="monthly">monthly</span> <span word="contact">contact</span> <span word="with">with</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="dad">dad</span>, <span word="my">my</span> <span word="bitter">bitter</span> <span word="stepmother">stepmother</span> <span word="and">and</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="father">father</span>'<span word="s">s</span> <span word="old">old</span>-<span word="fashioned">fashioned</span> <span word="stiff">stiff</span> <span word="upper">upper</span> <span word="lip">lip</span> <span word="meant">meant</span> <span word="we">we</span> <span word="never">never</span> <span word="became">became</span> <span word="close">close</span>. <span word="In">In</span> <span word="fact">fact</span>, <span word="I">I</span> <span word="used">used</span> <span word="to">to</span> <span word="dread">dread</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="visits">visits</span> <span word="to">to</span> <span word="see">see</span> <span word="him">him</span> <span word="and">and</span> <span word="count">count</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="hours">hours</span> <span word="until">until</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="could">could</span> <span word="go">go</span> <span word="home">home</span> <span word="again">again</span>.</p><p><span word="When">When</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="was">was</span> <span word="very">very</span> <span word="little">little</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="weekends">weekends</span> <span word="at">at</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="father">father</span>'<span word="s">s</span> <span word="house">house</span> <span word="felt">felt</span> <span word="cold">cold</span> <span word="and">and</span> <span word="unfriendly">unfriendly</span>. <span word="During">During</span> <span word="my">my</span> <span word="teens">teens</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="trips">trips</span> <span word="to">to</span> <span word="a">a</span> <span word="hostile">hostile</span> <span word="house">house</span> <span word="became">became</span> <span word="a">a</span> <span word="dread">dread</span> <span word="on">on</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="horizon">horizon</span> <span word="for">for</span> <span word="weeks">weeks</span> <span word="beforehand">beforehand</span>. <span word="Each">Each</span> <span word="stay">stay</span> <span word="culminated">culminated</span> <span word="in">in</span> <span word="an">an</span> <span word="uncomfortable">uncomfortable</span> <span word="peck">peck</span> <span word="on">on</span> <span word="the">the</span> <span word="cheek">cheek</span> <span word="from">from</span> <span word="Dad">Dad</span> <span word="as">as</span> <span word="he">he</span> <span word="said">said</span> <span word="goodbye">goodbye</span> &<span word="ndash">ndash</span>; <span word="a">a</span> <span word="moment">moment</span> <span word="I">I</span> <span word="cringed">cringed</span> <span word="about">about</span> <span word="for">for</span> <span word="hours">hours</span> <span word="in">in</span> <span word="advance">advance</span>.</p>
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