【雅思作文修改最好是考过雅思且写作7分以上的朋友``````Inmanyplacesshoppingisbecomingafree-timeactivity,replacingthetraditionalhobbiesofthepast.Discussthereasonsforthisdevelopment.Isthisdevelopmentpositiveor】
<p>问题：【雅思作文修改最好是考过雅思且写作7分以上的朋友``````Inmanyplacesshoppingisbecomingafree-timeactivity,replacingthetraditionalhobbiesofthepast.Discussthereasonsforthisdevelopment.Isthisdevelopmentpositiveor】<p>答案：↓↓↓<p class="nav-title mt10" style="border-top:1px solid #ccc;padding-top: 10px;">洪贝的回答：<div class="content-b">网友采纳 Shoppingnowisverypopularamongpeople.Bothmenandwomen（复数）tendtospendalargepartoftheirfreetimeonthisactivityinsteadofthetraditionalonesofthepast.（什么是traditionalonesofthepast?最好有suchas...这样的说清楚,另外这个说法不地道,换成othertraditionalwayssuchas...怎么样?)Asforthisphenomenon, thereareseveralreasons（下面说的都叫原因?改：points)whichwillbediscussedbelowandinmyopinionthisdevelopment(换成trend趋势）isapositiveone.(这句我想全换掉：thereareseveralpointsrelatedIwouldliketodiscussbelowandpersonallyIthinkthisdevelopmentisapositiveone.) Ononehand,nowadays,theglobe（换成global)economy（换：economics,经济）develops（单数）daybydayandthestandardofpeople’slive（中式英语,换:people'slivingquality生活质量）hasreachedahighlevelcomparedwithanyothertimesinhistory（用了comparewith,却没有比较级?换：hasreachedalevelhigherthananyothertimeinhistory).Thefactisthatenormous（巨大的庞大的?换：numerous)peopledon’tneed（换：have)tobemuchstruggled(换：直接用主动时态tostruggle)togettheirstomachfilled.So(So在这里停顿很唐突,不如Asaresult),thedesiretoenjoythelifeisbecomingintensely（moreandmoreintensely,强调形象化过程）.Andobviously,shoppingisawonderfulwaytocaterthisdemandsincethemajorityofenjoymentsinourlivesdependonconcretethings.Forexample,whenweluckilyfindathing(suchasadress)thatwelikesomuchandfinallypossessitsuccessfully（成功的拥有,中式英语,换成finallyarebletopossessit如何?）,wewillgetquitesatisfied(将来时在这里不必要,陈述的是一般事实,wegetquitesatisfied).Ontheotherhand,weallcannotdenythatthe（去掉the,非特指)shoppingcentersarereally“well-equipped”fortheydonotonlyprovideuswiththemerchandisestheysold（换sell或者areselling)butplacestorestandeatsomething（eat一个字就够了,与rest并列,加上somthing反而失去了行文节奏）,makingthem(指代不明,whichmakestheseshoppingcenters)evenmoreattractive.（ontheotherhand的内容比ononehand少的比较多,有点感觉敷衍,加点内容丰富一下?） AsfarasIcansee,thisdevelopmentundeniable（形容词,还后置?你想表达不可避免的意思吗?thisinevitabledevelopment)shouldbeacceptedandthoughthighlyof.because（首字母大写）oftheroleasatheindicationofthedemandforbetterlivingstandarditplays（建议定语后置,话说起来不累,becauseoftheroleitplaysasanindicationof...),whichcouldbeconsideredasthesampleofsociety’sdevelopmenttosomeextent（如果此处再用which引导,那么这句话主干在哪里?换成：thetrendofmoreshoppingactivitiescouldbeconsideredas...).What’smoreisthatnearlyallthepeopleareactingasboththecustomerandtheproducer（thesellerortheproducer）,sothegoodshoppingsituationcould（also)benefitthebusinessof（改：for)alotofpeople. So（改Inconclusion/Insummary),becauseof(改为：basedon基于）whatIhavementionedabove,thedevelopmentofshoppingismainlyaresultofthedevelopment（换成that,因为前面已经有thedevelopment,指代一下就行）of(the)societyinmanyspheres（换:aspects)suchaseconomy(改：economics.economy的意思在这里不对,经济,省钱?）andsinceitisa（换an)indicationofbetterlivingstandard(用了多少次standard?换：quality)andlivingcreed(whatislivingcreed?),thetrendmustbepositiveasIthink(如果你第一段最后一句用我改的,那么这里换成inmyopionion,Ithink这样的话要少出现在议论文里,会削弱你的论调和语气. 文章的意思和论调非常清楚,基本议论文结构也很清楚,语法上的细节问题要注意,有些中式英语要尽量避免 Goodjob!
页:
[1]